Script Shakespeare Scene 1 (a man in black enters with a book in his hand, reads lecture on Shakespeare question) Man: Good day (my) ladies and gentlemen. The topic of my lecture is the Shakespeare question. Little indeed can be told about his life with certainty, even the year of his birth is much doubted. Some scholars do not even believe in his existence (sarcastic giggle). Yet, a patient research among old tomes of the 16th century has helped us to restore his biography. Now use your eyes to try and peer, Use your ears to try and hear. Involve your minds and your imagination, Perceive this most exclusive information. Scene 2 Man: And now, at last, to win your hearts I'll introduce the leading parts. · That's Shakespeare, Who likes to shake his hunting spear (Sh. Shakes his spear) · His wife is Ann, Who likes to use her frying pan On poor Shakespeare For reasons obviously clear. · And here's Yorick A local alcoholic (workaholic). A friend of Shakespeare Who doesn't mind a glass of bear. · Here's Romeo Montague. Romeo: "Juliet, fair, I do love you!'' · Juliet is his girl of heart. Juliet: "Oh, Romeo, you look so smart!" · And here's Tybald['tib lt] Capulet. Tybald: "I tell you, Romeo, you are dead!" He has no clue of etiquette. · And here's Ophelia passing by. Ophelia: "I'm still alive, but want to die.'' · That's the ghost of Shakespeare's father: Would you like to die? (addressing ghost) "I'd rather, But I can't because I'm dead." We have said what we have said. Now that everything is clear. William, will you please appear! Scene 3 Man: Sometimes, namely when William was drunk, He used to behave like a violent punk, And although his words were very nice William's wife they couldn't suffice. Sometimes his wife, Ann Hathaway, Wished he behaved in another way. Sh.: I greet thee, my dearest one. W: What brings you here in hour so late? Sh.: My love to thee, my hunger and … fate! W: And who's that miserable creature? Sh: This is Yorick, a local … uhm … preacher! My friend and I are hungry and tired. And poor Yorick has been fired! Set the table with various dishes, Only see they are delicious! W: You say, you're tired, sleepy, hungry? Don't you see that I am angry?! You always daydream, think and write! And you ignore me day and night! You forget your kids and wife Writing sonnets['sonits] all your life! Sh: Now, calm down, here's a daisy. W: (addressing public) Oh, he's gone completely crazy! With no money, all in debt. Only flowers in your head! Sh: I'm the perfect husband, just the one you need! W: Then my frying pan you'll meet! (smashes) Now I've got a bright idea How to make you disappear! (leaves) Sh: Poor me! What shall I do?(Yorick shows that Sh should smother his W) Smother her?.. That won't do. W: (entering again) Mister W Shakespeare! I'm fed up! Get outta here! (leaves) Sh: I'll my family abandon, Start a better life in London! Scene 4 Man: One foot up and one foot down- That's the way to London town! Sh: We've been in London for some time, And I can't write a single rhyme! (the sandwichman enters) I haven't eaten for a week, I'm feeling very weak… We shall find a job round here, Otherwise I'm not Shakespeare! (sandwichman stands in front of Sh.) What a fascinating chance! I can be a star at once! Dear sir what shall I do? Man: There is a special job for you. You will work as a horse-holder, Hold this horse upon your shoulder. Sh(holding the horse): I'm delighted! What a charm! Holding horses on your arm! You're laughing? What's so funny? Do you mean I'll get no money? Hell with it! It is no luck! I don't give for it a ………! (throws the stick) Scene 5 (Ophelia enters walking, singing, dancing, etc.) Oph: I'm flying… I'm in paradise… Sh: But there are tears in your eyes! Who are you my precious child? Oph: I like rock and Oscar Wild… Sh: She's so weird. What a shame! Oph: Ophelia, I am by name. Sh: What makes you feel so poor and sad? Oph: You know, once there lived a lad, Who was always very sad, For he hadn't any mother, And he hadn't any dad… Sh: There's no big deal to cry. Oph: Can't you see! I wanna die! I'm feeling blue and down! Now I want myself to drown! Sh: Are you not afraid of chill? The water's cold you may fall ill. Oph: Right you are, I think. Oh, dear! Drowning is a bad idea. If it were a little hotter, I would jump into the water! ( flower geschenkt) Oh, you made me feel much better. I shall send a thank-you letter. (leaves) Scene 6 (Romeo enters) Rom: What luck it is to meet today Such splendid people on my way! Dear friends! I seek assistance. I hope you'll be of no resistance. I met a girl-she is so fair, I cannot help but at her stare. Her name is Juliet. She is a pigeon, She is of Catholic religion. Sh: You mean to say she is a dove? Rom: Oh yes, of cause, for she's my love. Her balcony is up above. I want to sing a true-love song. Do you think it'll do her wrong? Sh: I beg your pardon, who are you? Rom: I am Romeo Montague. I got a girl right here, I got a girl right there. To be alone I cannot bear! (dance) Rom: Dear friends! Give me a hand! We shall make a music band! (sings a serenade) Man(from the balcony, furiously): Am i looking like your baby? Rom: After you have shaved, then-maybe. Man: What did you say? You, stupid hero! You are not a hero, you are zero! Rom: This is only your illusion. You have made a wrong conclusion. I am guilty, I confess. It must be a wrong address. Sh: Don't give up! You'll try next time. Shall we have a glass of wine? And besides i want to eat. Rom: Great! Let's go! It's my treat! Scene 7 (in a Pub) Sh: If all be true that i do think There are five reasons we should drink: Good wine, a friend, or being dry, Or lest we should be by and by… Or any other reason why. (cheers; Tybald enters) Tyb: Ah, my enemy Romeo, you're always drinking here! Er… Who's that? Rom: My friend Shakespeare. Tyb: Though, Romeo Montague, You are many, i am few; You'll be killed and i shall win, Unless you have an identical twin.(sarcastic cackle) Rom: What's so funny, ugly one? Is that your idea of fun? Have you heard that you're fat? You look like a castrated cat! Tyb: What! I can't believe my ears! Rom: Have I revealed your secret fears? Tyb: And what about your secrets, hey? Everybody knows you're a gay! Your horrible nose hangs over your lip While you drink it ought to dip Into the glass! Rom: Keep off the grass! Tyb: Stand up Romeo! I want your blood! I'll say for sure there'll be a flood Sh; Ah, stop all this! I am Shakespeare! Rom: Keep mum! Tyb: Stay out! Rom: Don't interfere! Sh: All you said just now was right, Only please don't start a fight! If you do, then for this reason You will find yourself in prison. Tyb: Who do you think you're talking to? That was a silly thing to do! Run now coward like a rat. Rom: This damned Shakespeare drove me mad! (chase away) Man: Let's omit the final scene: I'm afraid it's too obscene. Scene 8 (panted Yorick and Shakespeare enter, Juliet is sitting on a grave crying) sh: Such great luck! We've got away! They won't find us, will they? Anyway I'm out of breath. We were on the edge of death. This cemetery looks so grave. Hey, who's sitting on that grave? It's Juliet, one of Romeo's girls Her tears are like shining pearls! (surprised) I wonder what she's doing here, In such a spooky atmosphere. Juliet, don't be so sad! Women's tears drive me mad! Listen, we are jolly guys, We shall show you something nice! Yorick, what is in your bag That you carry on your back? Could you take it out and show We are interested, you know! Yorick: It's time for me to speak at last Here's a legend from the past. It's going to be a gloomy scene I begin. Now Ann Boleyn Was King Henry's second wife This is the story of her life: They say that she was very pretty A pretty girl, but what a pity 'Cause for some reason or other She couldn't produce a son So Henry wasn't a happy father For he badly needed one. This was unfortunate for Ann For Henry was a cruel man. He said that poor Ann Boleyn Was dating Hitler in Berlin And to the scaffold was to go Kind of him, don't you think so? The end of this might be too dull… Sh: But Yorick, what about the skull? Yorick: Of course it's mine! Sh: How do you mean? Yorick: I borrowed it from our dean. But now it all belongs to me. So it is Yorick's skull, you see? Scene 9 (Romeo enters) Rom: Here at last i found you, Or I'm not a Montague. Say your prayers, that's the end! Sh: But Romeo, I'm your friend! Rom: Shut up or I'll break your jaws! Sh: Is that girl a friend of yours? Rom: Oh, my Lord! I recognize! (hysteric) I just can't believe my eyes! How shall I live without you, honey? Who will give me pocket money? To be without you I cannot bear! Who will wash my underwear? I'll kill myself! Where's my sword? That's the end, upon my word! I will do as I have said!!! (hesitating) Are you sure she's really dead? Sh: Oh, Romeo, don't start panic We are not on that "Titanic"! Rom: She's alive! What a relief! To see her dead was such a grief. Scene 10 (the ghost enters) Ghost: I'm Shakespeare's father's ghost. I'm this cemetery's host. We're closing, you're late. But… You've got to know your fate: Dear W Shakespeare, You are not an engineer, Neither you're a mountaineer, Not yet the author of "King Lyre", But still an expert in your sphere. You'll be a drama pioneer, And you'll succeed in your career. You'll be a hero, and I say You'll get an Oscar prize… (gives Oscar) … some day… (takes the Oscar back) Sh: If all be true that I believe There're many reasons we should live. Life is an ever-lasting story, It's full of beauty, joy and glory. I'll writs it down with special care And make a book of it, I swear! (everybody goes out to enjoy the audience's ecstasy!!!)